Kicker Triggers and the Road to Gilead

A trigger. That twist in the pit of your stomach, that fire in your chest prompting a stream of obscenities to rise forth from your throat like a flame thrower blasting a row of weeds from the sidewalk. We have all been triggered before and it’s not a pleasant feeling. Here is the thing though, a trigger is really a gift in disguise. Hear me out now.

Triggers give us the opportunity to unpack what is really at the core of what we are feeling. Once you can identify the feelings and give names to them, you can gain valuable insight into yourself and the world around you, and most importantly; draw your power back. Because when you’re triggered and you lash out – you are giving your power away to the thing that upset you. And babe, that yucky triggering thing does not deserve your power. Only you do.

Speaking of things that trigger us, I think we were all triggered last week by Harrison Butker’s commencement speech wherein he deprecated women, called members of the LGBTQ community “sinful” and conjured images of a dystopian society not unlike the Handmaid’s Tale. 

This slithering speech sparked outrage, backlash and offense on so many levels I think it’s important to take a beat to unpack here. It feels good in the moment to feel the rage, resort to hyperbolic speech and simply call him a misogynist monster without taking the time to really understand what is at the core of your discomfort. You’re worth it babe. You’re worth the discomfort because your feelings matter.  

Now I can only communicate to you from my own perspective and the things it made me personally feel. I encourage each of you to do the same within the context of your own lives and lived experiences. Here are the core issues that lit me up 🔥 

1.    The idea that the “purpose” of women is to dedicate their lives to a man, marriage or children is utterly toxic and profoundly crude. The purpose of a woman, the same as a man is for their soul to experience life in any way that they so choose. The idea that a woman’s life “begins” when she gets married is a disrespect to her sacred humanity. Women are not slaves.

2.    Men need to find their own source of power within themselves. They should not presume that their power should be siphoned from any other living being, let alone their partner. 

3.    This idea that dedicating or sacrificing your life to a partner is in some way a noble thing to do is bonkers. When you sacrifice yourself, you have nothing to give to another or the world because your “self” has been diminished. To sacrifice yourself is to demean yourself. To build one another up is the noblest pursuit within a partnership.

4.    A woman can be a homemaker without it being “owed.” A woman’s choice to be a mother or a homemaker is a beautiful choice. A worthy and noble vocation. Harrison Butker demeaned the women who have made this choice by essentially telling them that they never had a choice and that what they do is “owed.” It is not owed. It is a gift.

It all feels so existentially morose. What is this life really all about? Why are we here? Choices. And the pursuit of dreams. Nothing is owed and nothing is due. Your life is purely your chosen experience.

Once he had finished with his prequal to the Handmaid’s Tale, he decided to polish off the patriarchy parade by railing against LGBTQ rights and the tyranny of equity, diversity and inclusion. The first time I watched it I honestly thought “He’s joking right? He cannot really be serious.” The only people who are against equity, diversity and inclusion are those who are threatened by it. The words were hateful but the sentiment was excruciating insecurity in its purest form.

At first I was enraged. Then once I had the time to sit with the discomfort and identify the feelings, and I took a second look at this man all I saw was a fearful, insecure boy masquerading as a man. And it was profoundly sad. Then after a moment, sadness gave way to fear. For the truth of the matter is that insecure men are the most dangerous of all.

Insecure men are quick to use tools like religion to fortify themselves and justify their cruel judgments and actions. Let’s scale those religious walls here for just a moment and take a look inside. Doesn’t it say something in the Bible about not casting judgment on others? That’s God’s job, is it not? Yet here is this privileged white guy, presuming himself to be the voice of God making empty proclamations about who is a sinner (apparently all LGBTQ people) and who is “worthy.” Newsflash bible-boy; you are not the decider. The only “sinner” here is the small man at the podium full of wrath and pride (which I believe are two of those deadly little sins you referenced) forcing small minded judgements upon impressionable young people.

Why does this really bother me so much? After all this was a conservative extremist giving a speech at a Catholic college, it’s to be expected right? Maybe, I’ll give you that. But what really bothers me is this feeling that with the abolishment of Roe V. Wade that we are genuinely as a culture and a country repressing women’s rights. There is a strong syndicate in this country, not just the extreme right, but a large group of people that believe we should go back in time to when women were simply childbearing vessels and servants to men. We joke about the Handmaid’s Tale but is it really so far off? When you hear this type of speech at a time like this it hits upon a very real fear that this dystopian reality may be closer than we think.

I have heard a lot of bashing against “trad-wives” or homemakers since this news broke. Let’s be clear here ladies, our fight is not with each other. Some of us choose careers, some of us choose to be homemakers and mothers and some do both. All are wonderful choices. Our issue should not be with each other it is with the patriarchy telling us what is or is not a “worthy” choice. Don’t let us be divided on this. We are all on the same side.

We must protect the hopes and dreams of the next generation to become whatever they so choose in this life. To be what they want, to love who they want. Astronauts, engineers, teachers, writers, chefs, and things we can’t possibly imagine right now but will exist in the future. We must protect their future and their right to choose at all costs.

We can’t let ourselves simply engage in the rhetoric online, drop a spicy comment and forget about it. Lean in. Think about why these speeches are so upsetting and do something! Vote. Donate. Talk with your friends about it. Unpack, repack, have a glass of wine and repeat. Don’t just let this become another brick in the road to Gilead.

Now we will end on a low note…. and by that I mean a cathartic low brow cheap jab because sometimes it just feels good.

My profoundly distasteful yet incredibly satisfying assessment of Harrison Butker with the assistance of a side by side comparison of his two infinitely more talented teammates both of whom have strong female counterparts and are great examples of what secure in your masculinity really looks like.

If you’re feeling spicy and want to stir the pot, feel free to forward this email along to those it might provoke 😉